Abracadabra
by Marree
Summary: Step down David Copperfield. Outta the way Lance Burton. Meet SEIFER the Incredible Hot Strong Magnificant Hunk of Man. (Why is SEIFER all in caps? To get attention. Laugh all you want, but when people see SEIFER in caps, they usually click on the story..


Abracadabra  
by Mariye  
  
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Disclaimer: (I don't own FF8)  
  
Mariye: Abracadabra, hocus pocus, dotidotido.   
  
Selphie: Dotidotido?  
  
Mariye: You never saw Wizzo on the Bozo show?  
  
Selphie: [Looks at Mariye funny.] And they think I'm a ditz?  
  
Mariye: Watch it or you won't make it in this story,  
  
Selphie: Okay. Fine. I'll stop.  
  
Mariye: Hi! All I own here is the story idea. I guess I just think the idea of Seifer as a magician would be funny...  
  
Selphie: Seifer's the magician? Um, will he be cutting people in half?  
  
Mariye: Possibly. I don't know. I'm giving him creative freedom.  
  
Selphie: Know what? I don't wanna be in here anymore. Bye!  
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Irvine: And now, our last act of the Second Annual Garden Fest! [Ponders] Well... since last year it was like, kinda wrecked, I guess this is really like our first Garden Fest... but we did have that concert. Oh great. Now I'm all confused.  
  
Squall: [Shouts from crowd.] Oh, like thats hard to do.  
  
Irvine: Shut up! Lets just start, Our last act is... Seifer the Incredible Hot Strong Magnificant Hunk of Man?  
  
Seifer: Hell yeah! [Walks out in his usual outfit carrying his gunblade. he also wears a tophat.]  
  
Zell: Hey, where's your magic wand you fraud?  
  
Seifer: I got my magic wand right here! [Waves his gunblade.] Any other complaints?  
  
Crowd: [Silent.]  
  
Raijin: [From audience.] Yeah Seifer! You the man ya know!  
  
Seifer: Then allow me to introduce my assistant  
  
Fujin: [From offstage] LOVELY  
  
Seifer: [Shakes his head] My lovely assistant Fujin!  
  
[Fujin walks out in her normal outfit and a tiara. She salutes the crowd then stands next to Seifer.]  
  
Seifer: For my first trick, I will pull a rabbit out of a hat.  
  
[He takes off his hat and puts it in Fujin's hand. He reaches in and pulls out a rabbit.]  
  
Rinoa: Aw, its old, but still, the rabbit's kinda cute, so it balances out.  
  
Crowd: [Silence.]  
  
Zell: Seifer you suck!  
  
Seifer: Shut up Chicken-Wuss or I'll have a disappearing act in this show! Alright, next I turn this kleenex... [takes a kleenex out of Fujin's hand.] Into a dove. Hocus Pocus!  
  
[The kleenex actually turns into a bird and flies off.]  
  
Fujin: PIGEON?  
  
Seifer: Hey, dove, pigeon, they're both birds.  
  
Crowd: [Claps a little, mainly out of pity.]  
  
Quistis: [Sighs.] I should have stayed home and graded papers.  
  
Seifer: If I don't start hearing some real honest-to-Hyne clapping out there then there's gonna be a LOT of sad people!  
  
Crowd: Woo Hoo! We love Seifer! He rocks!!! [Crowd goes wild.]  
  
Fujin: PERFECT.  
  
Seifer: Well, it could use some improvement... Anyway, my next trick is a big one! I'm gonna make the Ragnarok disappear!  
  
Zell: [Coughs.] B.S! [Coughs.]  
  
Seifer: Chicken-Wuss I'm warning you! This is it! Once more and you're gonna get it.  
  
Fujin: [Walks down into the audience, gets Zell, and brings him up on stage.] CAUTION. RAGE. DORK.  
  
Zell: Ow! Quick shovin! Geez! Its no wonder you can't land a man!  
  
Fujin: RAGE! [Kicks Zell in the leg.]  
  
Crowd: Ahahahahahahahaha! [Claps frantically.]  
  
Seifer: [Annoyed. He whacks Zell upside the head.] Back to me now! I'm the star! Alright, let's bring down the video screen showing the Ragnarok outside Garden.  
  
[Screen comes down. It shows the Ragnarok. A sheet is dropped over the Ragnarok.]  
  
Seifer: Alright. Now Abracadabra!  
  
[The screen shows static. Then there is just a huge sheet lying on the ground.]  
  
Fujin: TA DA!  
  
Crowd: Wow! Oooo! Aaaaah! Cool! Seifer rules all! [Claps madly.]  
  
Zell: Oh please. If you look over there [Points out over the balcony.] you all can see the Ragnarok right there. Its all a fake videotape he editted in the AV office. Actually Fujin or Raijin probably did it, because he's too stupid to do it!  
  
Seifer: That's it! Fujin! Get the box!  
  
Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE! [Runs offstage.]  
  
Zell: Box? [Stops in shock.]  
  
Crowd: Uh oh.  
  
Irvine: [From the other side of the stage where him and Selphie are hiding behind a set.] Run Zell! Run!  
  
Selphie: Oooo, I had a bad feeling about this!  
  
Seifer: [Grabs Zell.] I warned you Chicken-Wuss! Now you'll pay for ruining my act!  
  
Quistis: Isn't anyone going to help him?  
  
[She looks behind her at the rest. Everyone has popcorn and is intently watching the stage.]  
  
Rinoa: Are you kidding?  
  
Squall: This is the most interesting part!  
  
Cid: Yeah, besides, its all in fun.  
  
Raijin: Besides, we don't wanna get on Seifer's bad side, ya know. Better to let him cool down and let out his agression.  
  
Quistis: [Sighs.] Oh well. I guess that would mean I would have one less paper to grade.  
  
Zell: Woah! Seifer! Calm down! I mean, I was kidding! You rule! I love you man! And I'm not just saying that cause you have a gunblade at my throat!  
  
Seifer: Ladies and Gentlemen, for my final act I shall do the trick that will be my favorite! I will cut Zell in half!  
  
Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE. [Pulls out a box that looks very similar to a coffin.]  
  
Zell: Ma! C'mon! I know you're out there! Help!  
  
Ma Dincht: Aw, my baby boy is on stage and is the star! I'm proud honey!  
  
Seifer: No one can save you now! In the box! [Fujin and Seifer pick Zell up and try to stuff him in. He spreads out his arms and legs.]  
  
Zell: No! No!!  
  
Fujin: RAIJIN. ASSIST!  
  
Raijin: Sure, happy to ya know! [Runs up and holds Zell's arms and legs. The DC stuffs Zell in and slams the lid. Raijin stands near the side where Zell's legs are and Fujin stands where Zell's head is. Seifer is in the middle.]  
  
Seifer: And now I will cut him in half!  
  
Zell: Hello? Hyne? Its me Zell. I know I haven't been the best person, but if you somehow send a bolt of lightning down and have it hit Seifer and save me I will be eternally grateful and will go down to the soup kitchen with 50 Balamb hotdogs and I'll be a good boy. I swear.  
  
Fujin and Raijin: GO GO GO GO!  
  
Crowd: GO GO GO GO!  
  
Zell: AAAAAA!  
  
[Seifer brings down Hyperion. He cuts the box in half. A hush falls over the crowd. Fujin and Raijin pull the box apart.]  
  
Crowd: Wow....  
  
Zell: Um, what's going on? Am I in shock? I don't feel any pain... Is there much blood?  
  
Selphie: Seifer did it?  
  
Irvine: He did it!  
  
Crowd: Woo hoo!!!! [Everyone is screaming and laughing and shouting.]  
  
Squall: That was so cool!  
  
Cid: If he can do that, then how come he can't pass a SeeD test?  
  
Seifer: Thank you. That's all folks! Good night!  
  
Fujin: THANKS! [Pulls off her tiara and walks off stage.]  
  
Raijin: Yeah, ya know. Wanna go grab a burger or something in town?  
  
Seifer: Sure.  
  
Zell: Hey, hold up, what about me?  
  
Irvine: Well folks, like he said, that's all! Goodnight! Thanks for coming!  
  
Selphie: You know a burger does sound pretty good right now...  
  
Rinoa: Headmaster's buying!  
  
Cid: What?  
  
Squall: Cool! Let's go get a car!  
  
Quistis: I drive this time!  
  
[Everyone leaves. Zell is still on stage in two pieces.]  
  
Zell: Guys? Guys! Come on! This isn't funny! Where's the library girl when I need her? I never should have said she was too clingy and broken up with her! Help!  
  
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[the end]  



End file.
